Father's Day Again

All the Christmas Days, all the Mother's Days, all the Father's Days and all the family outings/reunions that have passed, while we have waited. And to think of all our friends who have had kids. One of my close friends had three children, while we waited. I know our whole family feels the pain. I know the whole family looks forward to our baby's arrival. And I know our whole family worries about Paul and I. Knowing all of this, sometimes makes things more difficult. Not only do we worry about our own feelings, we feel guilty for hurting those close to us as well and for letting them down. Tensions run high and opinions are viewed as attacks. So, I apologize now for all the times that I took your suggestions so poorly. I do not mean to take it out on you.

Then how did we wait so long without loosing our minds and without dwelling on our frustrations? We started a business. It worked! Along with my dream of being a mom, I have always wanted to open a gymnastics' gym. And so we did. September 2008, we opened our doors to Northern Twistars Gymnastics and with that, my life and my mind were consumed with a new obsession.

Over & Over

Every time our wait was extended, we would grieve. At first, it was frustration, then it was painful, and finally, you are just pissed off. At different points throughout this excruciating wait, we sought other avenues or options. But we were always told the same thing, "Well, you only have 8 more months of waiting if you stick with China. Any other avenue will take at least a year. Stay your course. It's less than a year away." We listened and it bit us in the butt over and over. For 3 1/2 years, we stayed the course and felt like idiots doing so. Paul and I have always taken pride in the fact that we are patient and laid back. Now, we know those characteristics are not all positive. At times, they are flaws.

All of this frustration, pain and anger build up and soon you aren't able to deal with it. I remember one day telling my friends (colleagues) that we just got word that our wait would be another 8 months. I remember crying and one friend saying, "Well, Gwyn. It's not on your time. It's on God's time." I wanted to bite her head off. I know she was trying to be comforting and she may very well be right. But it was not what I wanted to hear. I needed to hear, "I am so sorry." "That just sucks." "I am so sorry this is happening to you." or "I'm here for you." I know that it is hard to know what to say when someone is going through a loss. And in adoption, you are dealing with loss over and over. Every time something falls through or every time your wait is extended, you imagine the children you just lost.

On the Road Again

It wasn't until 2004, now almost 29 years old, when we started again on our adoption story. So close to being 30, we chose our path and started traveling Our Silk Road to China. We were renewed, ready and excited once more. I turned 30 in 2005 and we immediately completed our paperwork. Our dossier made it to China and was logged in on April 27, 2006. This login date is THE date that holds great importance. April 27, 2006

Upon reentering the adoption process, the estimated wait for a referral (a child being picked for you) from China was 8 months. The number 8. It plagued us throughout our travels. We would feel like we were advancing on that 8 month deadline and then we would get the news. It would be another 8 month wait. Over and over that number 8 would reappear. It seemed a hopeless number. We would never get there. 8 more months. 8 more months. 8 more months!

High Hopes & Then Hittin' The Ditch

Where to start? Well, I suppose to understand the significance of an adoption story, you should know the whole story. Our story begins in year 2000, when we realize we won't be having children of our own (disappointment #1). This reality didn't phase us at the time. We instantly started thinking of adoption and a baby from China was what we wanted. By 2002, we were affiliated with an adoption agency and we had our home study completed. In order to adopt from China, we had to be 30 years old. I was yet 26. Disappointment #2, but no worries! We will go somewhere else. That was the plan. We were very excited about the possibilities. We decided on Guatemala and Vietnam. It was these choices that were the cause of my temporary undoing.

If you know me at all, I don't hide my emotions. Well, my excitement was evident as we made our way to the cities to make our final decision of which country to choose. The agency's workshop was the jumping off point for our international adoption. We arrived to find that both of our choices, Guatemala and Vietnam, were closed from US adoptions (disappointment #3). First the loss of our own children, then no children from China and now this. I was devastated. I literally fell to the ground. An awful moment. And our adoption story seemed to end.

Our Silk Road

The Silk Road got its name from the lucrative Chinese silk trade before and during the first century. This trade route connected many cultures in early times. The Silk Road was successful and long-lived. However, it was also very perilous. Travels were wrought with difficulties; geographical extremes, volatile climates, thieves and poorly marked routes. But the valuable commodities made the venture worthwhile.

Paul and I are not seeking silk, gold or jade. We do not wish for monetary wealth. We travel Our Silk Road for something far more precious...a child. Yet, our route seems no less dangerous than the Silk Road of old.

The original Silk Road spanned across Asia and must have taken a great deal of time to traverse. Five years, Paul and I have been on our journey. One step at a time was our motto. Come face to face with your obstacle and just take the next step. With each step, we would never know if the ground would give away under our feet. And so many times in our travels, the ground did just that, gave way and down we'd go. Sometimes, we would spring up and start again. Other times however we would feel more pain and wish to just lay there. But always, we would dust ourselves off and take the next step.

Our steps in the last two years actually appeared to be going backwards. No progress and very frustrating! But in the last four months, we seem to be in a sprint. Hopefully, a sprint all the way to the end. We feel winded but exhilarated, nervous but excited, afraid yet joyful. The destination is in sight. We are almost there. Come with us!

Come with us and follow in the last stage of our journey to China and back again with baby in hand. Thanks Andrea for the idea of having a blog during this process. Imitation is the greatest form of flattery...right?!